Reflections - Botswana 2007

Journal

June 6
1:08 A.M.

I have three more grueling days before I leave.  Three more long days filled with heartfelt goodbyes, and numerous and random anxiety attacks from the pressures of preparing for such a trip.  But what I do not understand is that I have already gone on a trip like this, I know what to expect… But then again I cannot deny that nagging thought in the back of my mind… Do I really know what to expect?  Am I really prepared?  Not just physically, or mentally… but spiritually?  I cannot ignore that doubt, but I know that now all I can do is trust that this is all in God’s timing… At least he knows what he is doing, that I do not doubt.  But still this feeling, I cannot describe it properly, it is almost like a giddiness in my spirit… Like when you are on the edge of an ocean, so deep, and so vast… You want to dive right in… but then your mind has its share of warning signs… Like what if you fall too deep?  What if you can’t swim?  Now I know that I am beyond excited for this trip, but I only wonder why my mind is focusing so much on my inadequacies.  Perhaps it is because there is something about this trip that is bigger than me, or anyone on my team… I don’t know.  But whatever it is… I believe that if I have a willing heart, in which I do, then with God’s much needed assistance… I should be prepared… I should be prepared.

 

June 10

I find the ironies of God and his forgiveness to be not only intriguing… but truly in all reality mind boggling.  I just don’t understand it sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate it or love it… it just doesn’t make sense to me.  But I guess that He truly is a God of wonders and mystery, so it is only suiting.  But just to go against everything that makes sense to me, to know that tonight, after being a “Dead Christian,” that I can crash and repent, like I have other times… And God will always accept me.  I just don’t feel like I deserve His love, but I know that no matter if I deserve it or not… God will never cease to love me.  Because God did not create love at the beginning of time… He is love… In all of it’s pure forms… God simply is love.

June 15

Well, I am finally here… There is something about Africa that ignites the imagination.  Something that draws me closer to God, it is unexplainable, but I love it.  Something about how the wind blows in your face carries the presence of God.  Something about the leaves and even the dirt covering the ground that just simply makes me feel alive.  I can just hear God so clearly, I feel free to worship, and it is truly exhilarating.  Though I guess it is hard to explain to someone who has never felt this way, but I can try my best. 

Well, on other subjects, the flight was long, but overall worth the fact that I am once again back in Africa.  I love my team as well, we are all kind of insane, but that’s just dandy with me!  Well, I got a steaming hot shower this morning (surprisingly), so that is definitely worth mentioning.  Oh, and Seth, I showed all of the girls my pictures… Every girl is in love with you haha.  Yeah, I just boosted the male ego about ten points!

June 17

“Take me to that place Lord, to that secret place. Where I can be with you, you can make me like you!  Wrap me in your arms, wrap me in your arms… wrap me in your arms.”

I find it funny how often as humans we continue to run away from God… and then come running back.  The thing that puzzles me is that he always accepts me, no matter what I have done.  And I don’t know why, but it makes me feel bad for god, to constantly have His own children doing this to Him and breaking His heart.  We are not deserving, and yet we always expect God to wrap us in His arms.  In all rights God should be angry with us and not accept us, but I guess that is what grace is all about.  I guess I just never realized it until this trip.  Grace is a good thing, but it creates a paradox in me that I can’t explain.  I guess all I can do is accept the forgiveness and hope that next time I won’t fall short.

June 19

Yesterday we visited the All Nations Village Church.  I sat by a woman named Daisy, and throughout the entire service I kept on thinking that she looked so familiar.  Then I realized by the time that the service had ended… she was one of the people that my MIG two years ago had led to Christ!  It was such an amazing feeling to know that God has moved in her so much.  She was dancing, singing, smiling, and praising God.  She is still following Him faithfully after two years! 

June 22

Well, we have been ministering so far for about five days… And I am not going to lie… this ministry is nothing like I expected… Nothing is happening, my MIG is so shy and I feel completely out of place.  It just seems like everyone else is seeing all of these miracles and salvations… We see nothing.  I know it sounds wrong, but I just feel bland… But I do think that God is trying to teach me patience, and teaching me how to seek after Him… But that doesn’t make it any easier!

Anyways, on other notes… I cannot believe that A trip has almost come to an end! But I am glad that my trip is not nearly half way over, I still have so much to learn.  I know I wouldn’t be ready to return home if I were on A.  I just hope that things start to pick up over C-gap and B trip.

June 25

Eyes.

The look in a child’s eye as soon as they realize that someone cares and has come to their rescue.  The sadness that remains there because they are the eyes of one that has bore too much pain and seen too man tragedies.  The eyes that are much too old for their years.

Smile.

The simplicity and idiocy many of us put ourselves through just to catch a glimpse of a smile, and yet the hidden feelings of hopelessness behind each smile.

Touch.

What miracles, wonders, and healing powers come from the simple touch of a hug.  What little faith, abundant love, and everlasting smiles can be put into and brought out of a simple touch.

Sometimes… sometimes the simple is more complicated than we think.

June 27

There is something comforting about this place, in the quiet times like this… no past… no future.  When all life, when all thoughts, and when all emotion come at an end… and one can just simply be.  Yes, this is what my mind and body loves, the silence, the peace.  But then my heart reminds me, I want that passion, that fire, all consuming.  That fire that catches from person to person.  That fire that my heart and soul desires so much.  My mind continues to warn me that I do not want it, because with that fire comes pain… But then my heart reminds me of the ultimate joy that is greater than and pain or suffering could be.  So I sit and wonder… how long will I fight?  How long until one side give in to the other?  Will I ever know?  I believe that I will, I hope that I will.  Oh God, I pray that I will. 

June 28

Last night was the missions talk.  I have heard it before, and I thought that everything would be the same.  But in all reality, I took a big hit last night.  You know this entire A trip I hadn’t truly felt God, I seeked and seeked, and it seemed like He would disappear.  But this night, this night, I found and heard God loud and clear.  So of course after the talk, the Martyr’s prayer was played… And basically God set my heart on fire once more; it was like being risen from the dead.  He spoke once again to the embers creating the ever consuming flame. 

Tonight I believe that God told me that Jim Elliot’s prayer was to be mine as well.

“I pray that I do not have a long life, but a full one, like yours Lord Jesus.”

I know it sounds strange, but God asked me if I would be willing to die for Him, and I answered yes.  He asked if I had the chance, would I deny Him, and from the bottom of my heart I said no… But I also realized that I would need courage not to do so, because when in a situation like that I know my mind would possibly think otherwise.  So I asked for courage to resist denying Him when the time came. 

God also asked me that if he were to want me to just take a back pack and go, if I would do it… I immediately said yes… but then He asked if I would trust Him… That was a much more difficult question, because I am more prone to worry about everything than to trust in Him.

God also told me that at least one of my family members will come with me to Africa, although I don’t know who. 

He also told me that I am to spend some time in Tibet, Mongolia, and Israel before I live in Africa.

And as He was telling me all of this, I was thinking… When will this happen?  And where should I start?  And I know now, LBOM is not where I am supposed to be next year… but I believe that I am supposed to spend a year at AIDchild in Uganda… Return to the states, major in Journalism, minor in photography, so that the freelance journalism can get me into closed countries. 

I also still have the dream for a farm, refugee center, hospital, and school in the Sudan… But God was telling me that I am to start off living like they do before all of this can happen. I need to surrender every corner of my heart, and that He will never forsake me, but that He will provide everything (including the money). 

And I think I understand now, why lately I haven’t been hearing God.  Well, it is because I haven’t given everything up… And He is also teaching and preparing me for the times in the Sudan when things will get difficult and I won’t hear Him… But it is then that I must seek him the most. 

I know that God also told me that I may not live to see the effects of all my work, but they will be great, they will be great. 

After all of this, my PD, Sarah, prayed for me… and I remember her specifically saying… “God, do not let Lindsay loose what dreams and visions you have given her, so that when she gets to heaven she will hear ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant.’”  That hit me, because that is exactly what I want to hear when I enter the gates… And I know now what my task is.

God is doing a work in me, sobering me up (as Midge had said so), and I know now… I can only hope and pray that I will be ready for all of this when the day comes.

July 8

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  The A trippers have left us, and my new C-gap team has been in an all Muslim refugee camp (we were the first American’s in history to be allowed to minister there!), celebrated the fourth of July, some free days in Maun, and had many insane bus rides.  It has been a bit overwhelming.  But what I can’t get over is the constant feeling of neglect and loneliness.  I mean I am surrounded by people I love, but I still feel alone.  I don’t know why I do, well; maybe it is because I feel like no one truly understands the full Lindsay…

But onto other things, honestly, working in the refugee camp was the best ministry that I have had the entire month that I have been here.  But I guess that only makes sense, I know God was telling me how to run a refugee camp.  Oh, and, it wasn’t only people from Zimbabwe there, there were people from Burundi, Somalia, Rwanda, and the Sudan.  And for the first time I heard the Muslim call for prayer in real life.  I had always seen it in the movies, but hearing it in real life is completely different.  It is something I have always wanted to hear, and yet, and the same time I found it incredibly sad.  I remember standing in the middle of the camp, hearing the call, and watching thousands of people drop to their knees and bow, worshiping a God that does not exist.

There is one moment, though; I will always remember it… During our ministry my MIG met a man named Abraham; he is a devout Muslim, and a powerful leader.  When he spoke many other Muslims gathered to listen.  Well, we got into a heated religious debate with him.  He was a very outspoken man, but after two hours of this, the conversation finally started to turn out way.  We told him how in the Quran that people used to have to make blood sacrifices to speak to God, and he said of course.  Then we asked him if he can speak directly to God, and he said again, of course.  So we asked him how… because if he didn’t make a blood sacrifice than that wasn’t possible.  So then I spoke up and said that is where Jesus comes in, he is our blood sacrifice.  But Abraham said that Jesus was only a prophet who lived a perfect life.  So Carolyn said that since Jesus was a prophet and lived a perfect life than he never told a lie.  And if he never told a lie, when he said that he was the son of God, he must have been right.  And Abraham jumped on that saying that he wanted proof.  So I brought out my Bible and flipped into Luke where Jesus simply stated, “I am the son of the living God.”  Abraham took the Bible from my hands and read the passage at least five times before he handed it to me.  He looked at us sadly and quietly said that this was enough for him today, he walked away… leaving us awestruck. 

It was in that moment that I realized, we won!  And what is even better is that he knows we won.  All I can say is that we planted a very large seed, and I can only pray that someone will come along a help him find the truth.  Man, what a dangerous Christian he would be.

July 9

Tonight was one of the most encouraging nights I have had in a long time.  My entire team had so much to say after worship, and I cannot express how much of a gift and passion Daine has for preaching.  Man that girl has a gift! 

But truly, everyone had something impacting to say.  And I think that if I could sum up the lessons I learned tonight in one word it would be…

PERSEVERENCE!

God spoke so much and his presence was so obvious.  Because I realized that when God leaves me that is when I must seek Him the most.  That will build my faith that is when I will grow the most. 

I also learned to be like Paul, because only after one moment with the Lord, he transformed.  He also faced so much persecution.  And in those times that I can’t hear God, I must remember to die to myself.  Just like Paul died everyday, because he knew that the glory of God would not be fulfilled in the flesh… but only by dying to self can we fulfill His glory. 

Also, I must remember… I can’t let this spiritual high die when I get home… no matter how much Satan attacks me… I have to have discipline and push through…Man, God is so good!

 

July 10

“Inverted homesickness, this passion to call that country home which was most in need of the Gospel.  In this passion, all other passions died; before this vision, all other visions failed; this call drowned all other voices.”

“Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger men.  Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks.  Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be a miracle.”

“I beg you to direct your attention to Africa… I go back to Africa to try to make an open path for commerce and Christianity; carry out the work in which I have begun… I leave it with you.”

“Passion means whatever a person is willing to suffer for… It is what you hunger for so intensely that you will sacrifice anything to have it.”

“Too many people want to fruits of Paul’s ministry without paying the price that Paul paid.  He died.  He died to everything.  He died daily.  He was crucified with Christ.”

Lord,

Be ruthless with me in revealing my selfish ambition and my lack of willingness to die to myself.  I know I have much to do… I know that I am not prepared, and I know that I will never be prepared.  But God, I also know that only through you, and through your strength can I do anything.  I need you to be with me in every aspect of my life… I need you.  I need your companionship… because I know there will be times when I feel alone, and ties that I won’t want to walk the road you set before me… I just ask that I may know unconditionally, undoubtedly, in my heart that you simply love me… and will be with me to the ends of the age.  God, I pray for courage, and willingness to die for you, to die to myself, to everything I have.  God, I cannot do this alone… I pray that Jim Elliot’s prayer will be mine… That you will light the idle sticks in my life, so that I may burn up for you… Consume my life my God, for it is yours… I pray that I may live a life that makes sense in the light of eternity.  I pray that I may not live a long life, but a full one, like yours, Lord Jesus… I dedicate in this moment Lord… I dedicate my life to you… Whatever it takes Lord…. My life… For you.

“God help me to face hate and violence with love and glad acceptance.”

July 15

Lord God,

I pray that I may lay everything down… everything that I am holding back or is holding me back.  Oh God, anything that is not of you, help me to get rid of it… Because from this day one… Things are going to change.  I am not going back to the person I used to be… I can’t… and I won’t.  But right now, before I can change anything, I know that I must be willing.  And God… right now I commit my life to you… whatever it takes Lord, take my heart, make it real, so that I may live a life worthy of my calling.  God, take control of me, rule my heart and mind.  May I be completely consumed by you.  God I want to fall in love with you, head over heels.  Oh God, I give my life, so that is may be at your disposal.  God, do what you must… I… am ready.

Amen.

July 19

“Heroes tremble in your presence.  Kings forget their crowns.  Mountains shudder at your whisper.  Nations fall face down.  And your people sing, Jesus is the Lord, He reigns forevermore!  Jesus is the Lord, He reign, he reigns.”

Lord,

I don’t know why it seems like every time I am closest to you that I feel the farthest away from everyone else.  Sometimes I don’t know what you are thinking… but I have to remember that I have to know what’s going on…. I just have to be willing to do as you say.  And to tell you the truth, sometimes that is stinking hard!  Although I know that I need that discipline… even though it is difficult.  But I can only feel like there are only two people on this trip who I truly trust… everyone else is just… ugh… I don’t know.  It just feels like no matter how many people I surround myself with, I am still alone… But then again two days of completely solitude would be marvelous.  Just to have some God and Lindsay time.  We don’t even have to be earnestly seeking each other, or have nay life altering moments… I would just like to sit and have you hold me… Because I think that I know now God, that to feel you, I don’t have to be radical ever moment of every day.  Sometimes just sitting there and letting you hold me is more than enough.  That warm water feeling that flows through my veins and makes me undeniably know that God is there… that is what I love.  I guess God; I’ll just say it… I’m tired.  I am so drained physically, and spiritually.  I really need you to use me, because I know that you often pick the weakest to show your might… Well, right now God…I am feeling pretty weak… And I know that this prayer is pretty blunt… But it is so true.  Right now, I just need you to make me strong Lord.  Make me strong so that I may do your will.  God I pray that today I may do things that I know in my physical body are impossible.

Amen.

July 22
(In this entry, this is a word I got for my team)

1 Peter 1:6-9.

You know, for these six weeks that I have been here, I have gone though some hard times, and I have definitely had my own share of struggles.  Yeah, I have been pushed, and yeah I have stepped out of my comfort zone… which I am sure that many of you have… But as I was hearing this scripture, the first line struck me.  “Though no for a little while you may have had to suffer.”  That hit me… man what I am going through is nothing… compared to what the disciples went through… I mean yeah, we get tired, we get dirty… But so what?!  There are people dying today for the cause of Christ!  What we are going through is not true suffering.  Yeah, maybe some discomfort, but who cares??!  We can push thought discomfort because we are doing this for God.  And for God’s glory… not our own.  We don’t see Him, but we love Him, we know He is there… and that is all that matters… We can push through some discomfort for God.  Because remember, the end result is the salvation of souls… I am sorry, but this needs to be said… When we are more excited for showers that we are for healings, or for people getting saved… man, that’s sad.  There are parties and celebrations going on in heaven for every salvation, I think we should do the same.  We also did not raise all of this money to go one a free day… we paid so we could tell people about Jesus, not to relax in Zimbabwe.  I just really feel like something needs to change, and change soon… or we won’t see the end result, we won’t see what we trained for… The salvation of souls.  Man we need to get our priorities straight and remember who we came here for… we need to push through… Set your eyes on God and push through.

July 25

I do not have long to write, but I just wanted to say that this month’s ministry has been incredible… My MIG alone saw 3 blind people healed in one day!  We saw stomach pains, sickness, TB healed.  The second day we saw the paralyzed, brain dead, mute, deaf healed.  We cast out demons from one woman, and that was an experience, oh man!  But otherwise, this has been amazing and God has been speaking so much through all of us!  I love it!

July 30

May it be, an evening star shines down upon you.  May it be, as darkness falls, your heart will be true?  You walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home.

I am leaving Africa… It is over…

I have tried to keep an accurate account of what I have experienced, my troubles, my joys, and my life.  But what I have come to discover is that there are simply no words that can describe any of it.  So much has changed, and it makes me afraid to return home… Because I don’t want to loose this… I can’t afford to loose any of it… I can’t.  I have changed so much… so much, it makes me afraid too hear what my family and especially my friends have to say… If they will wonder what the heck I had been doing on my other trips… and why I hadn’t changed then.  But I know that for now I have to go home, because if I want to be prepared for next year, I have to have a foundation… If I go into battle unprepared, I will be slaughtered… There is no doubt about that is my mind.  But then in my heart I know that God is going to protect me… because I’m not done yet…

God knows I’m not done yet.